Lina Runs for President!
by Animercom
Summary: As a result of a poorly timed Giga Slave, Lina, Gourry, Amelia, Zelgadis, and Xellos find themselves in America. Rather than searching for a way home, they NATURALLY decide to run for president instead. Your favorite Slayers characters clash together in a presidential debate! A parody/satire on Slayers, modern day politics, and the current candidates running for President.
Lina Runs for President

(Aka Who's the Best Slayers Character)

"Eh? Run for president?" Lina Inverse repeated, turning up her nose. "Why should I do that?"

"Is it something you can eat?" Gourry asked, getting excited.

"Um… no," Xellos answered, trying to keep his eyebrow from twitching.

"Oh, well then it doesn't matter." Gourry and Lina promptly returned to inhaling their twenty orders of McDonald's burgers. Xellos gripped his staff a bit harder, starting to get annoyed.

"Look, Xellos," Zelgadis said, leaning back in the booth. "I know we're all stuck here in weird world, but we aren't here for a sightseeing vacation. And I know you know that as well. So what's your game?"

"Yeah!" Amelia piped up, "And no ' _Sore wa himitsu desu_ ' stuff either!"

"Well…" Xellos drawled, looking at anywhere but the group in front of him. "It's a bit of a tale…"

Lina, her friends, and Xellos had found themselves in a particular situation. Several days ago, Pokoda had gone too far in insulting Lina's flat chest in front of Gourry that she called upon the Giga Slave. However, instead of blowing Pokoda and the town into oblivion, or having the Mother of all Darkness possess her, they all traveled to a place called America. Who knew that messing with the universe could cause people to jump enter different dimensions? Go figure. Now they were all stuck in a very bizarre place with people who didn't believe magic existed. (Pokoda, it was assumed, had been burnt to a crisp. No one mourned him.)

It was Lina's idea that they test taste every place people called "fast food" to determine which the best joint was. Today was McDonald's. Amelia was fairly confident that eating only fast food would make them all fat, but the rules of this world's reality didn't apply to anime characters.

Xellos turned to Lina once more. He raised his index finger as he happily recounted, "After you used Dragon Slave in the White House and killed the President, the Vice President, and all the twenty other department heads that should take the place of the president—"

"Hey," Lina interrupted. "I Dragon Slaved while Congress was in session. I figured I knocked out half of 'em at the _very_ least."

"Uh… yes. Congratulations. At any rate, the people of this country are very enraged. Emergency campaigns are being held to elect a new president."

"So?" Lina said through a full mouth. She pointed her half eaten Supersize burger at Xellos and asked, "What do you care about it? This country's affairs have nothing to do with us."

"Lina," Zelgadis cut in, his voice as sharp as a knife. "Has it ever occurred to you that murdering hundreds of America's leaders would have consequences? Such as drastically changing the course of this country's future?"

"Leaders?" Lina asked, leaning forward and slamming her hand on the table. "They were leaders?" Xellos nodded. "Huh." Lina crossed her arms. "And here I thought they were a bunch of old men who talked about what method was most effective at scratching their ass."

Everyone stared at Lina for a moment. Then Xellos walked to the other side of the booth to face Lina. "I believe the current situation might posit an opportunity. If we all ran for president, one of us is bound to become the leader of this country. The power to shape this country into whatever image we wanted could be ours."

"But…" Amelia spoke up tentatively, "is that really such a good idea?" Zelgadis shrugged.

"Wait, I could be a leader?" Lina clapped her hands together, sparkles in her eyes. "Leader of the entire country?! Ahh… just image all the people at my hands and feet, at my beck and call!"

Gourry lowered his fries from his mouth, a confused look on his face. "Yeah, but don't leaders have to do a lot of work and stuff?"

"Shut up, Gourry! Like you would know!" However, Lina took a moment to seriously think it over as she tapped her index finger to her lips. "Hmm… yeah, working for others' benefit would be a real pain in the neck. I don't want to do it."

Xellos stared at Lina, trying to hide his annoyance behind an emotionless mask. After a pause, he grinned, "Well, what if I told you that only the best person here could pull off winning the presidency?"

"You mean the presidential campaign would be like a competition to see who's the best person out of all of us?" Amelia asked.

Zelgadis rolled his eyes. "Sounds like a popularity contest at a middle school election."

"A competition to see who's the best?" Lina leaped out of her seat, clasped her hands around Xellos' hand, and exclaimed, "I'll do it!"

Xellos smiled. A stack of papers appeared in his hands. "Then we have a lot of studying about this country and its politicians to do."

* * *

Dave, an older man with graying hair, spoke into a microphone as he addressed the camera. "Here we are in the ruined Washington, D.C., with our presidential candidates. Although… they seem to look a little different…"

The camera moved left to right to show each of the contenders in turn. Amelia smiled and waved; Zelgadis crossed his arms, frowning; Lina examined her fingernails, summoning flickers of flame at her fingertips, Gourry looked around at all the cameras and spotlights in awe, and Xellos creepily opened one eye.

"Let's hear their opening statements. Ms. Amelia Kasich Clinton."

Amelia nodded. "I did it as a princess of Seyruun. I can do it as a president of America. With my unwavering devotion to justice, my role as a princess, and my cute yet mature looks, I am clearly the best character of Slayers."

"Xellos Rubio, your opening statement."

Xellos chuckled. He winningly smiled at the crowd, shaking his index finger. " _Sore wa himitsu desu_!"

"Okaaaay… Moving on. Dr. Zelgadis Bernie Carson, do you have a few words for us?"

Zelgadis glared at Dave. "I'm sick of getting caught up in Lina's crazy schemes."

"…Right. Gourry Bush? I mean, Jeb!, please speak."

Gourry pulled out a couple of tiny plastic jellyfish from a pocket. Smiling, he played with them in his hand. "My guy in New Hampshire refilled my stash of jellyfish. 'Slow and stupid wins the race'."

Dave's eyebrow began to twitch. "And finally, Ms. Lina Trump."

Lina tossed her hair behind her shoulder. "I'm the beautiful magician businesswoman who needs no introduction. I'll magic your heroin and unemployment problems away by building a wall. Any business who moves their company outside of the country, beware. As a bandit killer, I'll kill you. Or maybe I'll water board ya first."

"Now that opening statements are done, let's get on with the questions." Dave turned away from the cameras to towards his stand that faced the candidates. "First question tonight is for, Ms. Trump."

"Hehe," Lina snickered, making a peace sign. "That's me!"

"Um… Yes, well. You call men you don't like fat pigs, jellyfish for brains, and say men have no common sense. How are you—"

Frowning, Lina pointed at the man. "Only for Gourry."

"Lina!" Amelia injected. "That's so mean! Disparaging you're competitors isn't very fair!"

Lina, however, wasn't finished. "And that stupid idiot gave up the _hikari no ken_ instead of giving it to me. I always said from the beginning that I wanted it, that him using his family's sword instead of me was a big mistake, but he didn't listen. I guess if he gave it up, his family doesn't mean that much to him."

"Mr. Gourry Bush," Dave asked. "You have thirty seconds to respond."

Gourry shook his head, a bit appalled. "Is this the standard operating procedure? To dis… uh, disparage, yes that's the word. To disparage me and my family? That's fine. I don't—"

"Quiet, Gourry." Lina pressed her index finger to her lips. "Quiet."

Gourry raised his hands to the side. "My ancestor who used the _hikari no ken_ to defeat Zanaffar is my greatest hero."

"And when I first told you _hikari no ken_ 's history, you said that the tale was only familiar to you. You didn't even remember, you jellyfish for brains!"

The audience gasped, then began to boo Lina.

Zelgadis tapped his microphone. "Can I get some more screen time? I would like to be attacked, too." Everyone good naturally laughed at the companion who once served a great priest who healed many people.

Lina continued, undeterred by the interruptions. "I'm up in the polls while Gourry's at three percent."

"That… that doesn't matter," Gourry said, shaking his head again. "That doesn't matter. I'm sure there are plenty of people who love me and think I'm the best Slayers character."

Lina snorted and turned back to the audience. "He thinks he's a tough guy. A tough guy. But he isn't. He a guy with no magic in a fantasy anime. He's useless and he knows it."

Gourry laid his head on his stand, weeping. "Liiina…"

"I get along with everybody," Lina said. "I even have a theme song titled Get Along, fer crying out loud. But I say this every night, every day, of every afternoon and it's so true. Gourry is a mess. Gourry is a waste. Gourry is a big, fat mess."

"I gotta tell you, This is just crazy, huh?" Amelia gripped the sides of her stand and took a step back, shaking her head. "This is just nuts. Okay? Geez oh man." Lina's and Gourry's bickering tapped off and everyone silently surrendered the time to listen to Amelia.

Raising her hands to the left, Amelia said, "What I've been watching here is this back and forth, and these attacks, some of them are personal. I think we're fixing to lose all of our viewers entirely if we don't stop this."

The audience roared in approval at the woman who said to be the governor of Ohio.

"Oh?" Xellos said, a grin on his face. "And this is coming from the person who privately gave away all of America's and Seyruun's top secrets to people of other countries. People have died as a result of the information you've shared." Xellos purred, "And I thought you were an instrument of justice, hmm?"

Amelia jerked in surprise. Her face going red, Amelia stammered, "Well, that's because, uh…" Then she cleared her throat and straightened, looking at the audience in the eye. "About Seyruun, I'm absolutely sure that the controversy over if my sister is Naga or not will settle down. And for America, I'm 100% confident that the FBI won't find anything incriminating. I deleted those emails and their totally aren't ways of getting them back."

"Oh, yeah, sure." Lina laughed. "I don't even know if you should be running for president." Lina shook her head. "I haven't even started on you yet. But I have one question for ya: Why did you do it?"

Amelia shook her head. "The FBI is labeling the information in those emails as classified in retrospect. And besides!" she said, growing upset. She shook her fists as she continued, "I shared that information in the interest of world peace!" Amelia gave the peace sign and screamed into the microphone, "Justice for all!"

Silence.

"Uh… I mean…" Amelia stammered again. "Just because Lina's the main character doesn't mean that she's the best female character! I'm a thousand times better than her! She and that Trump character are selfish, greedy, and sexist!"

Lina chuckled. She cracked her fingers. "Whatever you say, whether it's the presidency or the Slayers character, I'm the best as defeating you, Amelia Clinton."

Dave raised both of his hands in a placating gesture. "Let's go back to the questions, please. Mr. Bernie Carson, tell us about your thoughts on Amelia Kasich Clinton and the controversy in regards to sharing information with other countries."

Zelgadis banged his fist against the stand. "I am sick of those damn emails and people asking me to make an issue about it. There is a process underway and I won't politicize it. When the process is complete, then maybe we can talk about it. But until then…" Zelgadis shrugged his shoulders.

"Zelgadis-san…" Amelia whimpered, unshed tears swimming in her eyes. "You won't defend me? I thought I could always count on you…"

Zelgadis shook his head. "Why should I defend you when I have only got one question so far? People say I whine a lot because I don't have time. Well, I'm going to whine. No one asked me of my opinion about Gourry, and I had a lot to say about that." Zelgadis sighed and shifted his stance. "For all the people out there who says that they like my policies and my looks, but think I won't win the presidency or the best Slayers character, vote for me. I think viewers really like me, but the author or the anime writers don't, because I'm not getting opportunities to show off. And no one can deny that I'm one of the hottest man of Slayers characters; I'm so hot, I even dressed as a girl. I appeal to everybody."

"Ha!" Lina laughed. Raising her hand towards Gourry and then Zelgadis in turn, Lina retorted, "Gourry's an idiot and Zel is a monster. Especially Zel—he's a chimera! A monster!" Lina cried, gripping her stand. "Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president? I mean, it's not his fault he's a chimera, and I'm not s'posed ta say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?"

Everyone stared at Zelgadis, seriously contemplating Lina's words.

"I… I…" Embarrassed, Zelgadis' face began to redden and his eyes shone with tears. "I'm not a monster!" Zelgadis covered his eyes with an arm and ran out of the room screaming, "Damn it! Rezo, you idiot!"

"W-Well…" Dave said, shocked. "That's a campaign suspension if I ever saw one."

"Zelgadis-san!" Amelia shouted, concerned.

"Heh, heh, heh," Xellos smirked. He titled his head back and cracked open an eye, looking down at everyone. "Everyone knows that I win in the sexiest Slayers guy campaign anyway."

"Says the guy wearing what looks like a sweatshirt," Amelia countered, cross.

"I'm wearing armor!" Gourry cried happily. "That's hot!

"Excuse me, Gourry!" Lina cut in. Addressing the crowd, Lina said slowly, "Gourry is a big, fat mistake."

Gourry hung his head, defeated. Sirens went off in the background.

"Speaking of who is the hottest character on Slayers…" Dave jumped in. He turned to Xellos and asked, "What about your mistress? From what little we've seen of her, she seems to be quite the hottie. Surely, she's a better character than you?"

"What?!" Amelia gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. "What are you doing?"

Lina grit her teeth, her eyes blazing. "That's taboo! We never ask Xellos about his master."

"Yeah," Gourry chimed in. "Even though we probably should."

"Gourry."

"W-What?" Gourry whimpered.

Lina crossed her arms, leveling Gourry with a stare. "Isn't there some gun you're supposed to be posing with?"

Gourry sulked, "It was a picture of a gun with my name on it. America."

"Maybe you should use it and save yourself some embarrassment."

"Can't stump the Trump!" An audience member screamed.

Xellos stared at Dave, an unreadable expression on his face. " _Sore wa himitsu desu_."

Amelia pointed her finger at Xellos. "I thought I told you no more ' _Sore wa himitsu desu_ ' stuff! Why do you say it anyway?"

Xellos frowned, a bead of sweat appearing on his forehead. " _Sore wa himitsu desu_."

Gourry scratched his head. "Why does everything have to be a secret with you anyway? Whoever said monsters were mysterious?"

Xellos shook his head. He was definitely getting sweatier. "No, let me dispel the rumors that monsters are mysterious… _Sore wa himitsu desu_."

"Yeah, seriously!" Lina said angrily, tossing her hair. "I mean, come on. With you spouting off all the same things all the time, you sound like robot."

"A… robot...?" Xellos repeated, his eyebrow twitching.

Lina turned to Xellos and pointed at him. "Well, let me channel my inner Chris Christy and say that with your master ordering you around all the time, you've never been responsible for a decision in your life. You are a puppet."

"A puppet?!" Xellos growled. "Well, you're a woman with a flat chest. Why should anyone listen to you?"

Lina faced turned as red as a cherry. "Why you!" She growled.

"Oh no!" Amelia quivered.

"I may be stupid as a jellyfish, but I'm not that stupid," Gourry said, from underneath his podium.

"You're going to get it now!" Lina raised her hands and began to chant, "Darkness beyond twilight. Crimson beyond blood that flows—"

"A-And that's all for the debate tonight," Dave stammered, barely able to contain his panic. He knew that spell… the spell of nightmares that destroyed Washington, D.C. and three-fourths of all Congressmen. "Let's see the results of the primary elections in the state." On the giant monitor hanging on the side wall of the room a map of the U.S. appeared. "Oh look," Dave said. "It seems that no one has won enough delegates to win the nomination or the title of best Slayers character."

"EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?!" All the candidates cried in disbelief.

"It seems we have to go to a brokered convention. All right, so here's how it works—"

An obnoxious laugh rang through the air. "Lina Inverse believing she could be the best Slayers character? Don't make me laugh."

At the new voice, everyone turned to see a woman dressed in black stand up in the audience.

"Naga?!" Lina gasped.

Naga smirked. She lifted her hand towards Lina. "Everyone knows that I'm the best character. I mean just look at me." Naga smiled coyly and slowly turned in a circle, giving everyone a chance to view her scantily clothed body. "I'm beautiful. And as long as I, Naga Romney, live, there's no way you can take the presidency or be called the best Slayers character. Hahahaha!"

A shadowy form jumped down from above to right behind Naga. A black trident pierced her chest. Naga's laugh was cut off with a strangled cry, blood coming out of her mouth. The audience gasped in fear as Naga fell to the ground, dead. A low chuckling filled the air. Then the shadow jumped in front of Lina's podium. A woman in a maid's outfit, holding a trident smiled down at Lina.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"It's my older sister!" Lina cried. "RUN!"

Everyone on stage scrambled away, screaming. Xellos teleported, disappearing from sight.

* * *

Fuming, Lina leaned back in the booth, crossing her arms. "Man, I can't believe it. Who would have thought my older sister somehow got into this world? It's not fair."

Gourry, who sat across from her, looked up from slurping his supersized soft drink. He turned around to see a TV showing clips of the debate that included Lina's sister. "Yeah, who would have thought that a character that was only mentioned or shown in a few theme songs a couple of times would have been considered to be the best character in Slayers?"

"Maybe it's because you, the 'great and beautiful sorceress', are so scared of her," Amelia offered.

Lina put her elbow on the table, and rested her cheek on the palm of her hand. She rolled her eyes and sulked, "Well, with her intimidating presence it's no surprise that she got all the delegates' votes."

At Lina's mention of intimidating presence, everyone's eyes turned to Xellos. Xellos sat huddled in a corner of the booth, crying quietly. "I was supposed to get some measure of power as president… Power that my master couldn't take away from me…"

Amelia commented, "He really is a puppet robot."

Seeing Xellos so upset, Gourry offered his bag to him. "Here. You can have my happy meal."

Xellos stiffened, staring at the bag. "'Happy' meal…?!"

"Yeah," Gourry smiled, shoving the bag in Xellos' face. "A happy meal should cheer you up."

"AH! HAPPINESS!" Screaming in fear, Xellos ran out of the McDonald's. Gourry and Amelia watched him leave in shock.

"Shouldn't we go after him?" Amelia asked.

"Nah," Lina dismissed, still upset. "Maybe he'll find Zelgadis."

The TV attached to the ceiling in the corner of the room replayed a close up of Lina. "It's my older sister! RUN!" Lina's voice ran through the McDonald's.

"That's it!" Snapping, Lina threw the ketchup bottle at the TV screen. The screen broke, and the TV fell off its stand, onto the head of a customer below. Zelgadis fell sideways onto the ground, the TV crushing his head. A child in the booth kicked him lightly. Zelgadis didn't move.

Steam coming out of her ears, Lina yelled, "I don't care what everyone says! I would have been a great president and I'm the best Slayers character!"

"That's right," Gourry smiled. "You are."

"G-Gourry…" Lina blinked, her cheeks flushing. Then she smiled. "And you're a jellyfish for brains."

"Aha!" Gourry laughed. "Yes, I am!"

The End

"Oh look!" Gourry cried happily, pointing to another TV. "You're sister is getting sworn into the president's office!"

"GAAHHH! GIGA SLAVE!"

The entire world faded into white…


End file.
